Dish Upon a Star

Something upsetting has happened. Yes, Tony Curtis–an OMP legend–died, Rahm Emmanuel is leaving Obama and Jimmy Carter felt pukey on a plan to Cleveland (I feel that way too when I near Ohio) but this will cause of a tremor of pain through the land. Asslips has her own reality show. I walked home and almost smacked into a billboard. Then another one. “She’s wild. He’s wild about her.” Lisa Rinna strikes a bosomy asslips pose while Harry Hamlin does the “I’m with stupid” point at his wife. Be prepared not to set your DVRs. Okay, I might watch out of morbid curiosity. Wonder if it will have a perky, upbeat tone with Harry hanging around in pajama bottoms and her feeling frisky.

…normal people to take pharmaceuticals. Comedian Greg Giraldo accidentally overdosed this past weekend and passed away. What’s more, he did it fairly close to DishHome. One never knows what’s happening in the next room. So sad–young person, so much potential, tragedy. Blessings on his coming and going.

Dish spent most of the day looking at a screen. Maybe I took a slight detour to watch Anaconda, where Jon Voight makes us bleed from the ears with some kind of accent (Paraguay? It comes and goes, as do most non-Native accents in movies) and lots of scenery chewing. He’s so bad, TG and I couldn’t look away. Luckily, our J.Lo survives but not before being pursued by every kind of snake (hmmmmm). All the remotely ethnic characters avoid the fatal snake hug: J.Lo (Puerto Rican), Ice Cube (African American) and Eric Stoltz (the rare male gingy moviestar). All is neatly tied up, though TG and I were heartbroken that Owen Wilson got sucked into the neverending esophagus of Anaconda!

26 minutes into Hellcats. Go Ashley Tisdale!

Watching Glee, I’m heartened by how nostalgia can brush away mediocrity. Britney affects us beyond the music. It has to be beyond the music. TG likes the song “Womanizer,” only he sings “Moisturizer.” He loves how a hit is made by repeating the same word. I for one like “Oops, I Did It Again” because that’s when I first got into Britney and her skin-tight red suit. Plus, in the video, she’s a b*tch, a nice foil to Dish. Britney is here to stay. Um, is there going to be a Duran Duran episode?

Olio: Dish got her annual mammogram and looked so good in the dark pink robe it almost left in her purse. Elijah Wood just split from his long-time girlfriend after five years (we know what that means). George Lopez and his wife are divorcing after 17 years–even after she gave him a kidney. Lastly, another Gordon Ramsey chef committed suicide and condolences to his family. For some people, it’s the worst of times.

The Nora Walker Show (Brothers & Sisters) definitely jumped the shark. The offspring are doing nothing great, Sally isn’t banging anyone and the vibe isn’t there. At least Gilles Marini did what he does best: modeled in his underwear. I love how the transition to this job–from artist to underwear model–was non-existent. Yeah, Sunday’s show made no sense.

Dear Demi and Ashton,

Open letters to the stars are the thing these days, so here goes: I was born in Ohio during a time that could only be described as volatile. LBJ might have been in office, but I’d have to Wikipedia that. The riots in Paris turned students into warriors. On the blessed day of my birth, my mother cried because I was so ugly, though I would turn into a beauty weeks later when my head regained a normal shape. Ever since, I’ve given my family such joy–Oh wait, this is not about me. Demi and Ashton, I don’t care about the cheating rumors or the media’s promise of more scandals. Please stop making sh*tty movies! I lost ninety minutes from The Joneses and, Ashton, following you on Twitter has made my life hell. Katharine Hepburn vomited from her grave over Guess Who, as did Sidney Poitier even though he’s still alive. I enjoy you both and have seen potential come to life. Demi, your movies have been iconic–from your overalls in Ghost to your sexually harassing Michael Douglas in Disclosure. Your voice and inky black hair are the stuff of legend. And Ashton, Punk’d is beyond brilliant (waiting for you to land a great role in a movie). I hope you work out your problems since you’re a nice couple. Do better projects so that I can praise you.

Unblemished,
Dish

I love it when Lynette is featured on DH because Felicity Huffman can act. This season has plenty of potential–with eunic Kyle McLaughlin gone, Gaby’s chubby daughter not her child, and the gorgeous Vanessa Williams coming to stay. I hope she can do more than be bitchy as on Ugly Betty (I have a hard time buying it, she looks so nice!). Teri Hatcher’s boobs look enormous this season and please God, let Mike the plumber go on that oil rig in Alaska so that someone more exciting can sneak into her bed. I love this show mostly because TG is riveted and can forget his troubles for a while. Brothers & Sisters on next. Nora Walker is a healing balm for our souls.

Dish tried to do home-made wedding invitations this weekend. They looked very home-made, as in bad.

What would life be like without another open letter to Lindsay Lohan? It’s how the stars communicate. Candy Spelling to her daughter. Michael Lohan to Lindsay. Now Perez to Lindsay. Why not send a letter through the US Post Office?

You know America is a great place when you see a movie in which Robert Klein plays J.Lo’s gynecologist and Linda Lavin plays her grandmother. The Back-Up Plan is a little sucky but at least you reap the above mentioned nuggets. And you get to see J.Lo pee on a stick, which the dog eats and then vomits. Nestled in the chunks of canine spew is the stick which indicates J.Lo’s pregnancy.

Dish bought Anaconda for $5.99 at Duane Reade. J.Lo’s finest work aside from Out of Sight.

…whole lotta crap happened today. Eddie Fisher died. Hard to know what he did beyond ruining his marriage to Debbie Reynolds and being father to Carrie Fisher. Lindsay went to jail and let’s hope she stays there (and gets help). And more gay rumors about John Travolta. I get the sneaking suspicion a movie is due out or maybe it’s his babies via Kelly Preston. Why upset a pregnant woman?

Thanks, JJ, for the tip to watch Mike & Molly, a refreshing and romantic sitcom starring plus-sized actors (Billy Gardell and Melissa McCarthy)with hot chemistry. We’re not talking Roseanne and John Goodman. These two have actual sexual chemistry and imagining them in bed together is not so terrifying the way it is with two skeletons squeaking and breaking bones in a king sized bed, which you see every day on TV. I found myself aching for Mike & Molly to get together even more than I would Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston Angelina Jolie. Let’s reject the skeletors on television! Who can’t identify with overeating? Dish grew up a ball of lard until magic weight loss at 22 [no dining hall].

Today’s interview with new AI judges J.Lo and Steven Tyler: I expected more sparkle. No one seems willing to be an a-hole. Simon is rolling in his money grave. Highlight: Steven said he fell in love with J.LO while watching The Back-Up Plan. That’s like saying you enjoyed John Travolta in “The Bubble Boy.” [aside: remember circa 1977-8 when there were rumors Travolta was hooking up with Lily Tomlin?] J.Lo looked like she was wearing a big ol wig.

Do you believe the rumors about Ashton cheating on Demi? People are acting as if this is a shocking story. What I find more upsetting is Jennifer Hudson’s weight loss from Weight Watchers. She was already gorgeous!

Rumor has it Mel Gibson is in talks to appear on Mad Men. I hate him, think he’s bananas, but this is brilliant casting.

Late to post.  Waited all day for Gale Harold’s appearance on Hellcats.  Very nice academic Brian Kinney.  I missed the first ten minutes due to a glamorous event for which I had JJ blow out the hair.  Will catch when Hellcats is reaired on Friday (it’s sad).  Must also watch the premiere of Modern Family, which I also sort of missed. A busy day. I understand why Real Housewives are so busy.  In addition to work, I had to get hair done, go to the gym, buy some nice shoes and pick out my clothes.  It’s 10:08 and I’m exhausted.

Remember how Stephanie Seymour and her OMP were battling it out in court? Never mind! They decided she still wanted his bazillions and he still cherished her gazongas–I mean, they’re still gaga in love! 20$ says more drama is in store. I’m bleeding from the eyes.

I’ve loathed The Situation for almost a year now but after last night’s Dancing With the Stars, I can see his charm (miles beyond the Hasselhoff Freak Machine who was beyond creepy!). TS dances like a scarecrow but he looked as if he were having a blast. Jennifer Grey’s dance flowed nicely and I might have shed a tear over the Swayze nostalgia. It’s a little predictable, though, and I won’t watch another episode.

Glee: love the new female football coach (played by Dot Jones)! Epic Sue. The new blond boy evokes Randy Harris in Queer As Folk. The common viewer would say Bieber, but I say Justin!