Dish Upon a Star

Dish began her morning with Taken, remembering J.J.’s rantings about Liam Neeson’s possum hair. Liam’s tresses are indeed frightening, but he is a bad-ass. I can see why people liked this one. Dish enjoys when Geezers are action heroes and Liam pounds bad guys into walls right and left. Plus, most of us have daddy issues and it’s a heart-warming gesture when your retired-CIA-operative father gives enough of a %*^& to rescue you when you’re kidnapped for slave trade by Albanians. Go, Liam!

In my daily musings, I realized how fatties can rule the entertainment world. Zach Galifianakis is somehow more powerful than Mel Gibson. Ever since The Hangover, he seems to be the fat sidekick in every movie. Due Date looks like a stinker of a buddy movie. Fond memories of John Candy, Chris Farley, John Belushi…

Lastly, tattoo goddess Kat Von D is wearing a sparkler on her left ring finger, flashing it around. She refuses to talk about it to the media. Are she and Jesse James engaged? Don’t wanna talk about it? DON’T WEAR IT! That said, I think she and JJ are well matched. I don’t mean that in a bad way.

I’m trying to deny the latest terrorist threat. I don’t feel fear so much as annoyance. The timing also bugs me. There’s no good time for an attack (unless a sweet panic attack during Duran Duran concert b/c so exciting), but the timing is particularly suspicious. So let’s talk about mundane stuff:

The latest couple alert: Cameron Diaz and Glee’s Matthew Morrison. This is a step up from A-Rod but I don’t have hope of this lasting because, well, MM’s star is on the rise and Cameron needs a great movie (that doesn’t star Ashton Kitchen). I do see some chem b/w them, tho.

Allegedly, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have set their wedding date: December 5th. I’m so relieved. It woulda been so embarrassing to have us both married during the same weekend. Sorta why I picked a Sunday!

The Randy Quaids–crazy! I totally expect to see them on an episode of Snapped. TG and I love that show.

Because I’m alone this weekend, I’m catching up on bad Dish marathon television watching. Here are my verdicts: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are mostly barking hideous and wear bright cheap dresses. I enjoy Camille and feel bad for Taylor who is in an unhappy marriage (never settle!); CSI: NY, I almost fell asleep it was so boring and I usually adore Sela Ward. The stars just aren’t exciting. Blue Bloods: Tom Selleck’s dye job frightening but the show itself is marginally better than most of its ilk. Kudos to Donnie Wahlberg (always excellent), Jennifer Esposito, and Bridget Moynihan. A good cast.

My Lancome products are all ligned up and ready to use. Dish is wearing red the way Julia does in Pretty Woman, hair in a ponytail bun as in Notting Hill when she stays over at Hugh’s, going running as when she cleans up her sh*t in Runaway Bride. Dish will spend the day talking softly as JR does during serious moments. Drunken face mask a must as in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Will take time to appreciate beauty as Her Highness does in Mona Lisa Smile, also showing that fluffy red hair is the style back in the 50s and 60s. As much as possible, quote Julia all day. When the need comes to laugh, my cackle will be loud and slightly irritating.

Happy Birthday, Julia!!!

Happy Birthday to our beloved Simon Le Bon. Because it’s his special day, I won’t post my favorite tabloid photo of him with his hands down his banana hammock (every other day is fair game–see tomorrow). My dream for this Duran Duran lead singer is for him to be cast in a feature film. If you remove some of the ham (I don’t mean weight–he’s not fat), SLB’s probably a good actor and the camera loves him. Working on the script right now.

In the realm of WGaF, Blake Lively and Penn Badgley split and, US Weekly reports, Justin Timberlake cheated on Jessica Biel with Olivia Munn. In a similar vein, Dish just ran out of laundry detergent to clean the blankets Dishcat vomicked on and Dish slept in without knowing! Talk about ewwww and feline hostility.

Dish is floating on a cloud of ecstasy. Not real ecstasy as one sees on Queer As Folk, but the kind you feel when you know you’re walking down the aisle to Duran Duran’s “Rio.” Mission Accomplished: Dish Style! Now I just have to wait until January 16, 2011.

Happy Birthday, Hillary Clinton! I read a fun story in Cindy Adams’s column: NM Gov. Bill Richardson was turned away from Bubba’s party. HAHAHAHA! When you turn your back on Hillary, you lose Clinton friendship…and you lose DISH!

Charlie Sheen made some crazy at the Plaza early this morning. I’m hearing professional escort, cocaine, overdose, nakedness, cops. Now that’s my idea of a family vacation.

Toni Collette and Mariah Carey–Preggers!

Strange couplings: It’s rumored that Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are hooking up. Isn’t she 17? I approve, of course, because pretty people should be together.

Brothers & Sisters: Kitty’s love interest is a little too sweaty. I liked the guy she had an emotional affair with while she was married to Ro Blowe. The one she bonded with in the park. Either that or bring in Harrison Ford for a cameo. Can’t wait to see him share the screen with Diane Keaton in Morning Glory (sounds like tea that makes you poop). At least Sally Field got to give another fantastic pep talk. This made up for the predictability of Desperate Housewives.

In a fit of insanity, Dish has signed up for Nanowrimo, which means writing a book in a month. From November 1-30, my postings might be brief. Are you with me, or are you with me?

As always, may the Cosmic Goddess grant me my wish: to have Duran Duran’s “Rio” as my wedding song.

La Celine gave birth to fraternal twin boys, bringing her brood to five. I like Celine though her appearance on Oprah scared the sh*t out of me. It took me back to my days in a French school, where Madame A… dragged my classmate Lionel in front of the classroom and paddled him. Did I mention she pulled his pants down first? Those were the olden days when toilets were Turkish (not sanitary if you’re 6 because you NEVER hit the spot), wine came with lunch and Madame A… could get away with paddling. I digress. Celine would never do such a thing and I’m not suggesting abuse. She must be a wonderful mother. Oh God, how did I get into this? Oh right, rambling about my childhood: Back to Madame A… When I cheated on a test (by poorly rubbing out the wrong answer to putting in the right one), Madame A… brought me up in front of the class, eyed me and put a big fat zero on my test.

I do love France, Canada, the French and Celine. I’m just saying Celine would keep me on my toes. Congratulations to her and her family.

Happy Birthday to Jeff Goldblum who hits 58. I’ve heard from a few sources that he’s a love. Dish adores his work–for real. He stole The Pillowman right out of Billy Crudup’s hands–and Dish adores Crudup, too!

Life would be so unbelievably…um…better if we didn’t know so much about Kim Kardashian or her love life. Is she with John Mayer or Kanye West? Maybe both of them, though we know who she’d actually be sleeping with. Maybe.

I didn’t see this coming! Supposedly, Kat Von D and Jesse James broke up and she’s back with early-onset-OMP Nikki Sixx. By contrast, Maria Sharapova is engaged to a Laker.

Can I hear an “Amen?” Mel was dropped from The Hangover 2. Sometimes when you’re a sh*t, bad things do happen. Dish feels that Mel will re-emerge in a few years and the public will forgive him. Sadly, this happens ALL THE TIME and outcasts wind up with a reality show, on CNN or starring in romantic comedies.

…how Willow Smith suddenly is famous. Will name my child after a tree or movie starring Val Kilmer and see how this helps, in addition to putting her/him in child pageants.

…why the Obama administration stopped the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. The timing is far too icky with elections. A Hillary fanatic supporter, I wanted to be wowed by Obama but am disappointed. Are elections about voting for the lesser of two–now three–evils?

…how Tom Cruise and Sofia Vergara were ever romantically linked. Now she is a goddess on and Katie Holmes is kinda lifeless. Long live Sofia! (And I hope Katie Holmes is revived someday)

…Oh, and Bob Guccione is dead. Time for dinner.

Must Dish even before putting away the groceries.

12:45pm, 7th Avenue b/w 17th and 18th: All I had in my head was In Treatment-In Treatment-In Treatment when I spot a familiar woman: Long blond hair, sweet features and looking very much like the best friend/sassy checkout girl in every movie. No, not that one, but the one related to our Julia–Lisa Roberts Gillan. Oh Julia. Your sister seemed a little adrift, like me with bags under eyes and wandering without purpose. But I get it because we middle-agers sometimes just walk in a stupor over loss of youth. Nothing is wrong but it’s a gray day. I look forward to my afternoon latte. LRG is fetching in navy top and dark jeans.

Bottom line: Dish is getting closer to Julia, which seems fitting since the discovery was made mathetically that I am 3 degrees from TOM.