Dish Upon a Star

Archive for July 2011

You know you’re kewl when u hurl offstage during a concert. Kings of Leon singer, Jared Followill, went barfy barf during a very hot concert in Dallas. He even announced it aheadoftime. I pheel 4 u, bro. Sometimes the heat makes me want 2 yakk 2. Lukkily they reskeded during a kewler time.

More essentials: Ashton Kutcher has a *big* trailer (wink, wink) on the set of 2 and 1/2 Men.

Today’s alleged big lie: that Amy Winehouse was in the process of adopting 10-year-old girl from St. Lucia before her death. I’m having myself cloned so that I can be two places at once. My silicone self will have big hairy monkeys flying out of its butt.

Speaking of hair, Dish viewed Rabbit Hole. Nicole Kidman’s tresses looked fabulous, and she is her usual statuesque and striking self. Yes, I spent a lot of time examining her face and how it’s changed since Birth. Her brow had normal wrinkles, which I found refreshing. The lips have been altered, but not so ass-lips as when she was pregs with Sundae-Brunch. Film is v. sad, as you might predict. Great performances by everyone, including Jon Tenney who had the courage to go shirtless at 50. Overall, a touching “it never goes away but you gotta move on” film about death.

So worth the wait in line. Though if you’re Dish-like, you *hate* crowds. Only McQueen’s recognizable brilliance made me withstand the stop-start of shuffling gawkers like myself. I’ll be dreaming about the red dresses, straight shoulders and S&M touches. Just get a membership to The Metropolitan Museum of Art and you can skip those lines. Yipee!

In high school, Katherine Heigl was the girl who found me useless. She was popular but had vicious habits behind closed doors (in-your-face flatulence, bulimia). Josh Duhamel was the hunk who paid no attention to me and was kind of a dick. He’d talk to me but have an eye for whoever was behind me. It was with some trepidation that I plopped in Life As We Know It. Verdict: Kind of cute, but Dish had a hard time getting past these two. They could be terrific in real life–except for the bad theater manners and nastiness to flight attendants. The material is average, perfect if you don’t want a challenge.

According to Fitperez.com, Kathy Griffin maintains that diet and exercise are responsible for her skinniness at 50. She says she replaced unhealthy snacks with “fruits and veggies.” On Broadway this spring, she was super-twiggy, a little strung-out looking. I’m sure this assessment would make her day. I love her!

Cowboys and Aliens has been getting decent reviews. I would love to see it except cowboys and aliens don’t do it for me. Not even for the nostalgic appeal of Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig, locking horns, sweating and acting all pissy…on horses.

So, maybe I spoke too soon. It seems the whole engagement proposal between Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed happened months ago and ever since their relationship has hit the skids. C’mon, kids, 28 years is a long time. Though, I’m not sure I could take GS in large doses either…

Because I can’t help myself, I watched the premiere for the second season of The A List: New York. Same group of unpleasant characters (though Mike seems nice and educated). The rest just hiss and scratch like well-groomed, faux-hawk kitties. I was hoping for a new cast. Oh wait, they’ve added an angry rich hag, who is even more asinine than the boys. Will I watch the next episode, dear god, I just might.

Meatloaf passed out during a concert. NJ Governor Christie felt woozy on his way to sign a bill. To keep rocking and ruining NJ respectively, both might consider hitting a treadmill, STAT.

What sordid lives these people lead. Ex-Hef-fiansay told Howard Stern that sex with Hef lasted a few seconds. Ewww and can you BLAME HIM? He’s a thousand years old and if I were surrounded by boobies all day, I’d grow tired and uninterested in flesh. Now people are defending Hef, testifying to his long-lasting libido. Ew.

More ew: A giant uproar about Katherine Heigl’s being 20 minutes late to The Book of Mormon, disrupting viewers with these antics and then smoking an electric cigarette during the show. No manners. If I were rich, I’d still get to the show on time.

A special shout-out to John Amos, one of Dish’s favorite actors. He’s just so cuddly and magnetic on screen. At this moment, TG is immersed in an episode of Good Times, which, to Dish, is way better than The Munsters, his last obsession. I can tell how happy TG is by how often he wiggles his toes. Good Times = mega wiggle.

Pics of Rachel Weizs’s wedding band have surfaced and she and I are kindred spirits. We have the same simple band.

Just when I was praising her business savvy, Kat Von D left two interviews and canceled the promotion for her new season of L.A. Ink, no doubt due to press over her recent breakup with Jesse James. This lady needs to have a serious talk with Shirley MacLaine, who performs even when she’s yakking her brains out. Stiff upper lip. Do the job.

A slow news day: Julia Roberts ad for L’Oreal by Lancome (chapeau over the “o”) was pulled in UK for excessive airbrushing. I agree. She looks like a Disney princess and not the Julia we’ve grown old with over the last 20 years. Shame on Lancome! And besides, wouldn’t you want to buy the awesome ALL-NATURAL AND EFFECTIVE skin care products that Dishbrother makes? Yes, yes and yes.

Alex Skarsgard and Kate Bosworth have split. Dishfriend will be VERY happy about this. She’s been jonesing for this blond Adonis for ages. And she’s not even into blonds! Such is Alex’s allure.

Selma Blair finally popped. A boy. Yay! She’d been pregnant for at least 15 months.

There is talk that another woman–not just Lady Long Distance–may have come between Kat Von D and Jesse James. But then, talk is cheap. I would believe just about anything because that’s how I roll my dough. The problem is that KVD just got JJ tattooed on her fine self, which leads me to think she angled for permanence with him and… well…something significant *must* have caused this split. That’s their business. Let’s talk more about me…

I’m not sure what pheromone made Kat Von D hitch a wagon to the outlaw Jesse James two minutes after his split with Sandra Bullock, but she announced via Twitter that they are no longer together. After learning of their engagement and getting one of her fabulous lipsticks, Dish researched this tattooed vixen, followed her Tweets and grew to admire her as an artist, free spirit and businesswoman. She may not have made a brilliant decision to marry that person but who hasn’t made questionable choices? She will continue to rock.

In great news, KISS’s Gene Simmons and his long-time girlfriend Shannon Tweed are engaged. After 28 years, 2 kids. Loved Tweed’s stint on Frasier as Honey Snow. They are, actually, an interesting family with some brains. Mazel!

Yes, Dish has extended her fifteen minutes of fame. It all has to do with my phenomenal love story and wedding to TG. I’d give you the link, but then I wouldn’t be so anonymous (wink, wink).

Also in the news: J.Lo celebrating her 42 years on Earth, gracing us with some very spontaneous killer ab shots. Thanks, Jennifer! Dish would do the same but you’d need sunglasses with how snowy white my belly is.

Amy Winehouse autopsy inconclusive, funeral tomorrow. Her song sales have skyrocketed. Can you just imagine the Amy memorabilia and imitators that will surface?

Right now, TG and I are catching up on our The Closer. He just claimed to have met Alan and Adam Arkin at a party in Bel Air (lie). Now he’s yelling at me that I’m not paying attention to Jon Tenney, a fond love of Dish’s since he was on Equal Justice. What will we do when we go to Montreal on vacation? We might have to do touristy things and grace the world with our fluent French…